ACT 1
AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL
1. David Bruckenstein. Dave remarks he looks quite a bit like Jack Brenner, the guy famous for his 1985 appearance on "All My Children." And what does David Bruckenstein do? "I'm a scientist." Dave the host is taken aback. He has never met a scientist before. Where does he live? In Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Ahh, the research triangle. Dave makes a plea to Bruckenstein: "Always use your science for good." What's Bruckenstein got for us? He can play the harmonica with his nose. The song: Home on the Range. Dave is impressed even before he hears the performance. Edison was never able to do this. Einstein was never able to do this. But Bruckenstein IS able to do this. We watch as David Bruckenstein plays "Home on the Range" on the harmonica with his nose.

2. Tristan Bell of Toronto, Canada. The lad is a bartender at the Symposium Cafe. Life nice in Toronto? Tristan says it is. Dave asks, "What's the place like; a nice place or a dump?" Tristan says, "it's nice . . . I live with my parents." Dave mumbles, "I was asking about the bar . . . ."
It's a nice place, the Symposium Cafe. How so? There's no need for a bouncer.
What can Tristan do? He can pass his entire body though the opening of a tennis racket.
We watch Tristan perform this amazing stunt. Except for the two other times we had something like this on our show, I never saw anything like this before.

And that was Audience Show and Tell.

ACT 2
Tonight is the Late Show 14th Anniversary on CBS. Ain't that something.
The congratulatory messages were pouring in all day to help celebrate our 14th year on CBS. This one was specifically for Dave.
Announce:

"Congratulations to David Letterman on 14 sterling years at the Tiffany network. To commemorate this event, a special gift has been arranged for you. To pick it up, simply show up at the men's room in Terminal C at the Minneapolis/St.Paul International Airport from 1:00-3:30 AM. (shot of Senator Larry Craig) Happy Anniversary, Dave, from one gay old guy to another."

I pitched this idea. When it was time for Tony to read his line, Kyle the cue card guy would not hold up the cards. It would be fun to watch his reaction.

ACT 3-4, 6
SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON
What were summers like for Hillary as a kid? Lots of goofing off or was she busy working? The Senator says she's been working every summer since she's been 13. At first she was a recreation worker taking care of and leading younger kids in play. As the years passed, she took on more responsibilities. Her favorite summer job was after she graduated college and she found herself in Alaska sliming fish. She would be in hip boots with a spoon cleaning out the dead salmon after the caviar had been scooped out. It was the perfect preparation for going into politics.
Before we go any further, Hillary wants to get something off her chest. She is well aware of Dave's frequent jokes about her pantsuits. And just to let him know, she reads three recent examples.
1. New Yorkers have Mets fever --- today, Hillary Clinton was wearing a blue and orange pantsuit. 2. You can tell it's summer --- today, Hillary Clinton hit the beach in a one-piece pantsuit 3. Hillary has a new sexy image --- yesterday, she was in the mall shopping at Victoria's Pantsuit.
I like the last one.

The Senator declared her candidacy back in January; that's 21 months before the general election. Yikes. That's just not right. Back on November 17, 2006, I predicted Hillary would declare her candidacy on October 11, 2007. Obviously I was way off but I picked October 11th because that is Eleanor Roosevelt's birthday. She says being on the campaign trail is a non-stop adventure. Lucky for her, she says her strength in campaigning is her stamina. She'll need it. I said it the other day; watch Road to the White House on C-Span. It gives you a little idea of what they have to do, day in, day out, to get another vote, and another vote after that. It is endless.

How much has she raised in her campaign? $60 million and it's something she's not proud of, but knows it's necessary under the current finance rules. Where does the money go? In the big states, a lot of it goes to the media; such as radio and TV ads. In the smaller states, a lot goes to the support staff and going from town to town. What's it like campaigning with husband Bill? She says it's lots of fun. Yeeesh. I could go out campaigning with . . . with . . . Elle Macpherson and I doubt it would be fun. Campaigning would probably be the last thing I would ever want to do. I wouldn't mind the position of President, I just wouldn't want to do the work to get there. Does Bill ever forget that he's not the one running for President? The Senator laughs and says his input is invaluable and she is constantly drawing on his experience.

Is the United States ready for a woman President? Senator Clinton says there have been great woman leaders around the world and the United States is certainly ready, as well. She gathers great satisfaction when she meets parents who bring their daughter to meet her, showing them that a female can achieve anything. And she loves seeing the older woman who tell her they were born when women were not allowed to vote. They are thrilled that America has come so far that a woman could possibly become President in their lifetime. But no matter who becomes President in 2009, it's going to be very hard to clean up after Bush and Cheney.
Dave mentions that Hillary was a Republican in college. He then laughs when there is an audible gasp from the audience. She says she was a Republican, primarily because she was raised in a Republican family and neighborhood. When she started going out in the world, she realized that many people did not have her background, did not have the luxuries she had, the privileges, the opportunity. The more she saw, the more she evolved.

Will we have a military presence in Iraq forever? The Senator says she hopes not and it certainly isn't what she wants. She makes it clear that there are no good options and we have to accept that. We cannot referee a civil war and it is time to start bringing home the troops now.
What do you say to the people in the military and their families? The Senator says they need to know they performed heroically, that they did what they were asked to do. And they need to know that we will take care of them when they get home. And we need to fund the V.A. to help out with the many casualties resulting from the war.

And to finish up, Hillary performed a top ten which was quite funny.
HILLARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN PROMISES.
10. Bring stability and long term security to "The View"
9. Each year on my birthday, every American gets a cupcake.
8. Option of rolling dice against the IRS for double-or-nothing on your taxes.
7. If you're having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available, it's yours!
6. "My Vice President will never shoot anybody in the face."
5. Turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible.
4. For over a hundred years, there have only been two Dakotas --- I plan to double that.
3. We'll finally have a President who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions, am I right, ladies?
2. I will appoint a committee to find out what the heck is happening on "Lost"
1. One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.

ACT 5: It's the harmonica guy blowing "Home On The Range" into his instrument.

ACT 7: WILLIE NELSON AND KENNY CHESNEY: The famed duo performed a lovely "Lucky Old Son."

And that was ours how for Thursday, August 30, 2007.



In case you're wondering:
Let me be clear; I continue to not be gay. I never have been gay.

Wednesday night's home run by Yankee Alex Rodriguez was described by Yankee announcer John Sterling in his customary, "It is high . . . it is far . . . it is gone!" Every home run, no matter what it looks like, is described this way. A-Rod's home run was a line shot. It was not high at all. In fact, it wasn't all that far either. I heard the home run announce on a replay on the radio news. I haven't listened to a Yankee game on the radio since April. In fact, in the replay I heard Sterling describe the home run like this, or something like this: "It is high . . . it is far . . . it is gone! A line drive home run by A-Rod!"
Sorry, Johnny, you can't have it both ways. Was it high or was it a line drive?

14TH ANNIVERSARY
First Late Show: August 30, 1993
LATE SHOW: 2,810 programs. 2,806 shows, with 4 primetime specials.
LATE NIGHT: 1,810 programs.
Daytime show: 90 programs
Total programs: 4,710.
Next up: Will our 15th Anniversary fall on Show #3000. Will it? We'll only know when we get there. Right now, it looks like it'll be close.
Including the four Late Show Primetime specials, tonight marked 1,000 more Late Shows than Late Nights for Dave.
And overall, including Late Show, Late Night, and his daytime program, when will Dave hit Show #5,000? He's at 4,710 right now. 300 more . . . about a year and a half, something like February 2009.

Michael Vick arrested for running a dog-fighting ring. Each dog year is equivalent to 7 human years. And Michael Vick's number on the Atlanta Falcons? Number 7. Coincidence?

If I floss at night before bed, is there a need to floss in the morning, too?

Good news! No one won the Mega Millions lottery jackpot in Tuesday night's drawing. The next drawing is Friday night. It'll be up to $325 million. It looks like I still have a chance to retire by autumn.

*And now, even more useless information from " The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- uh oh. I've run out of useless information. It ain't fun, but it is a fact.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
1974 Ramapo High School gradutate, Kenny "Kino" Mandel. That's "Mandel", with one L.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER