Cold Open: Dave and Jude in the green room.
DAVE: "Hey, wanna see where I got sunburned over the weekend?"
JUDE: "Will it make me sick?"
DAVE: "Probably."
JUDE: "I'd rather not."

" . . . and now, former midfielder for Manchester United . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1
Out on 53rd Street tonight is John Cornwell. He was on the show a few months ago to show off his invention: The beer-launching refrigerator. We see a clip from the show of the great invention. John is a graduate of Duke University, earning a degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. What does he have for us tonight? It's the shoulder-mounted tennis ball launcher. It can shoot a tennis ball an estimated 300 mph. He keeps the plans to such a machine a secret, realizing many out there would use this device for evil and not good. As a frame of reference, the fastest tennis serve ever recorded with current radar is 155 mph by Andy Roddick. Dave suggests that John show us what the cannon could do by shooting a tennis ball straight into the air. John refuses the suggestion, realizing the danger of the visually exciting maneuver. We'll check back in later with John to see him and his launcher shoot at things.

Back to Dave. As Dave billboards the night's program, the camera begins to waver. Dave is out of the camera shot. Dave, the host, wonders what is wrong and tries to get the attention of our camera operator, Dave Dorsett. We get a shot of Dorsett at the camera reading the new Harry Potter book. Dave the host finally has Dorsett's attention. Dorsett says, "Sorry, Dave. I'm reading the new Harry Potter book. It's a real page turner."
DAVE: "Can you do that later?"
DORSETT: "Really, does it make a difference?"

Recent intelligence reports suggest al-Qaeda still poses a major threat. We take a look at this announcement.
Announcer:

(shots of terrorist camps) "A terrifying new intelligence report reveals that al-Qaeda has gotten stronger in recent years and stands poised to attack the U.S. But rest assured, President Bush has read the report and is committed to . . . . (cut to shot of Bush at White House T-Ball game with baseball mascot) . . . .
Okay, apparently he hasn't gotten around to reading the report, but he will just as soon as baseball season ends.
George W. Bush: 26% and falling."

Back to John Cornwell out on 53rd Street. He will attempt to shoot a tennis ball through a tennis racket. John lines up his launcher about 20 feet from the target, pulls the trigger, and the tennis ball flies towards the racket . . . . but misses the mark. In slow motion we see the ball didn't not hit the strings on the racket. John tries again. This time it's a hit but it does not bust through the strings. We go to commercial as we try to figure out what went wrong. Even though we did not get the results we were hoping for, the shoulder-mounted tennis ball launcher looks pretty cool.

ACT 2
Back from commercial, we see the people out on 53rd Street standing in the rain to catch a glimpse of the tennis ball launcher. Tennis ball launching fans are known for their fanaticism and will travel anywhere to witness this fine machine. We take a look at a replay from earlier in the day during rehearsal of what the tennis ball launcher did to a tennis racket. We see the shot ball rip right through the stringed tennis racket.
Next up: A yellow taxi cab. John will shot a tennis ball through the passenger side window of a taxi cab. John shoots . . . . and the ball bounces off the taxi cab. The window remains without a smudge. We try again. . . . and again no break. Let's go to the replay from rehearsal. We see a tennis ball break through the window as if it were an egg shell. Why isn't the tennis ball launcher breaking anything now? Dave surmises that it may have something to do with the rain and the decrease in friction upon impact.

Back to Dave. A guy with a clipboard enters from behind Dave, steps down, and leans up against the ledge.
GUY: "So, Dave, how do you think the show is going so far?"
The audience answers for Dave with applause.
DAVE: "It's not bad."
GUY: "And how would you evaluate your performance tonight?"
The audience again applauds their approval.
DAVE: "I think I'm doing okay."
GUY: "You feel like you're putting on a good show for the people?"
DAVE: "I hope so."
GUY: "That's interesting, because I've been taking notes on your audience's comments throughout the show. 'Not funny.' 'Not funny.' 'Dave seems drunk.' What's with the wig?" 'Is he even trying anymore?' 'Why won't he shut up?' Tell me, Dave, what do you feel after hearing these remarks?"
DAVE: "I'm not really sure."
GUY: "You know, when we're confronted with such criticism and hatred from those we want to please, it's actually healthy to feel discomfort, embarrassment, even shame. Is any of that inside you now?"
DAVE: "Uhh, yeah."
GUY: "I think we're getting somewhere." Exits.
Paul wonders if that was a CBS exec.
Dave has no idea.

ACT 3
DREW CAREY - Drew has been taking it easy for a while now, not doing much of anything, and he's enjoyed it. But since he's been out of the picture, fans have sort of forgotten him, but not quite. It hit home a while back when he was eating at an airport. He noticed a mother and daughter looking his way, pointing. He knew what coming next. So the girl gets up, maybe 13 years old, and approaches Drew. She says, "Are you Michael Moore?" That didn't go over too well. Drew admittedly barked out a "No." She went back to her table. When Drew was about to leave, he decided to stop by the table and wish them a nice trip, thinking when they hear his voice it may trigger their recognition of Drew Carey, TV star. Drew says, walking by, "Well, enjoy your flight." He then hears the mother say to the daughter, "See, I told you it was Michael Moore!"

Dave asks about Drew's new interest in soccer. Drew always stays loyal to his hometown Cleveland teams but Cleveland doesn't have a soccer team so he's joined the L.A. Galaxy as a fan. A 1-0 game can be very thrilling once you learn to appreciate the idiosyncrasies of the game. And the game is tremendously violent. Lots of elbows to the face and kicks to the body. You just have to watch closely. When you see someone on the ground moaning and groaning and holding their leg, 90% of the time it's legit. Drew has gone to games in Glasgow and Germany and Latin America and the energy is incredible. He describes the World Cup like having 3 Super Bowls in one day. It's crazy. And the action is non-stop. No breaks for hot dogs, beer, or the bathroom. No breaks for beer? Ahh, there's the rub.
Big news! Earlier in the show, right around the time of the Harry Potter bit with Dave Dorsett, Drew got the phone call that made it official: Drew Carey is the new host of the "Price is Right." And we heard it here first! Congratulations, Drew.
And Drew is also the host of the new CBS game show, "Power of 10." Looking to win $10 million? Check out "Power of 10." It premieres August 7th at 8: 00 PM. Drew looks forward to the day where CBS head man Les Moonves has to grit his teeth behind a smile and present someone with $10 million. Dave says he's familiar with that, and it's great.

ACT 4:
Let's check back in with John Cornwell. This time we have Dave on a TV monitor sitting in front of the yellow cab. John aims his launcher at the TV, fires, and screen flickers but remains. We try it again. Same results. Let's go to the videotape. We see the tennis ball smashing the TV from earlier in the day. Dave suggests that John just take his shoulder-mounted tennis ball launcher and smash the TV. John, not pleased with how things turned out, does exactly what Dave suggests. He smashes the TV with the launcher.

ACT 5
Slow Motion Replays of the tennis ball launcher.

ACT 6
NIKKI BLONSKY: She's Hollywood's new star, starring in the big summer happy blockbuster musical, "Hairspray." This is her first film and she works with some of the biggest stars in the business. I've heard good things about "Hairspray." I'll likely be going with my girls to see it, hopefully at the Drive-In. Before "Hairspray," Nikki worked at Stone Cold Creamery. This is an ice cream place where they make your ice cream right in front of you. They have their basic ice creams and you decide on the added ingredients, such as my favorite, cookie dough. As a Stone Cold Creamery employee, Nikki had to learn 250 jingles. The staff would sing these when serving. Yeesh. I wouldn't last long working at a place like this. If I weren't fired for my singing, I'd soon quit. Nikki sings a ditty from the Stone Cold. Cute. It works better for her than it would for me.
Nikki Blonsky - starring in "Hairspray" now in theaters. I liked her.

ACT 7
GRINDERMAN: From their CD, "Grinderman," Grinderman, featuring Nick Cave, performed "Honey Bee." Loud. Fun. Odd.

And that was our show for Monday, July 23, 2007.



So I looked up Drew Carey on the CBS website. I had a 2% doubt of whether Carey is spelled with 1 R or 2 Rs. I knew Jim Carrey goes with 2 and was real sure Drew went with 1, but I just wanted to be sure. Drew is featured on the front page of the CBS website. And you can click on for more information about his new game show, "Power of 10." One thing is missing, though. There is no mention of Drew Carey's name. You see his big smiling mug, but no name. I had to go to Google to make sure Carey has one R. I could not find his name as the host of the new CBS game show on the CBS website.

Did you watch the Democratic debate last night with questions coming from the internet? I wanted to call pretending I was the relative of a recently deceased Nigerian multi-millionaire offering one of the candidates a chance to split the inheritance if he or she sent me their financial records/

I would have lost this bet. Last week I predicted "Hairspray" would be #1 at the box office this weekend. I was wrong. "Chuck and Larry" came in first with $34.8 million; Harry Potter came in 2nd with $32.2 million. "Hairspray" came in 3rd with $27.8 million. My guess is when it is all over, "Hairspray" will have earned more than "Chuck and Larry."

I read where 200 were trapped inside the Gateway Arch in St. Louis the other day for 2 hours after a power outage. I feel so stupid. I never knew you could go up into the Arch. Are there windows to peer out? I never noticed windows. This is something I should have known.

Remember Alan Webb? He was a high school runner who broke Jim Ryun's long-standing high school record for the mile some years back and was a guest on our show June 27, 2001. I sort have kept my eye on him through all these years. His career plateaued there for a while but now he's back on top. This weekend he broke the 25-year-old United States record for the mile, running it at 3 minutes, 46.91 seconds. He broke the record of Steve Scott set in 1982. Nice job, Alan.
Running a 4-minute mile equates to 15 mph. Running a mile in 3 minutes, 47 seconds comes to running four 57-second quarter miles. My best in the quarter mile was about 57 seconds. To set the mile record I would have to do that 4 times consecutively. That record is safe from me.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- Virginia Wolff wrote all her books standing up
- In the Batman stories, the Riddler's real name was Edward Nigma, or E. Nigma
- Robinson Crusoe was marooned on his desert island for twenty-four years
- Robin Hood's friend Little John was really named John Little
- The first names of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde were Henry and Edward

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Former Chief of the Hillcrest Volunteer Fire Department, it's Gary Wren.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER