It’s a special night. Out on 53rd Street is Stan Drucker, the 3rd or 4th strongest man in the world, depending on what poll you read. What will Stan be doing for us tonight? He will be flipping a 1994 Ford F-150 Pickup Truck – 6 cylinder, 4-speed automatic transmission. Just two weeks ago, we had the world’s strongest man. Phil Pfister, flipping a 1995 Pontiac Sunfire. That was a mere ton. The Ford Pickup is close to 5,100 pounds. Can Stan do it? He says with confidence, “I don’t see it being much of a problem, sir.” “Sir” . . . . I like that. Has he ever done this before? He says he’s lifted 800-pound logs over his head and carried a pair of refrigerators 1,000 feet, so I guess it’s possible. If he does do it, tomorrow around the water coolers all across America, everyone will be asking “Just who is the world’s strongest man?’”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear from FDR. We hear from JFK. We hear from President Bush... a cough, followed by his patented eyebrow raise.

Back to Dave, who is interrupted by a weather report from a meteorologist:
“Funny stuff, Dave. And we need all the laughter we can bet, because the Pinpoint Doppler says we’re in for some gloomy weather this week. Plus: Is Old Man Winter going to be a little early this year? I’ll tell you that, and we’ll meet the state’s oldest trick-or-treater, only on Eyewitness News. Back to you.”

Dave thanks Scot. And who is Scot? He’s Meteorologist Scot Haney of WFSB Channel-3, Hartford Connecticut.

SMALL TOWN NEWS: We haven’t done this in some time and it’s something Dave has been at since his daytime show back in 1980. It’s Small Town News, actual news clippings and advertisements from your local papers across the country. I’ve always liked these and am glad to see its return to the LATE SHOW. You got something you found amusing in your local Bugle, send it in!
The Kensington (California) Outlook:Police Report – “A Kingston Road resident reported and injured deer. Police contacted animal control, which shot the deer. As a result, the deer was no longer injured, just dead”
The Columbus (Ohio) Yellow Pages: “A divorce you can afford --- no spouse required”
Newspaper wedding photo – I didn’t have this one after the show so I’m not sure where it came from. I think the band still has the photo. We see a young bride’s photo in the newspaper. And if you look closely, you can see a hand pinching the woman’s left nipple. Huh? Paul wishes he TiVo’d tonight’s show so he could replay that last joke. He really got a kick out of it. Dave says, “Well, here, Paul, why don’t I just give it to you?” Dave gets up and hands it to Paul. Paul examines it a little closer. He then passes it around for the rest of the band to enjoy.
Wilmington New Journal, Wilmington, Delaware: “Question: Can you give me some information on the cremation of Catholics? Is it okay or not? Also, what is chicken fried steak?”
The Fallston/Forest Hills (Maryland) Pennysaver: “Police Beat: A Forest Hill woman called police to report that she had a stupid husband.”
Parish Bulletin, San Francisco de Asisi Parish, Flagstaff (Arizona): “Calvary Cemetery – Please note that only flowers are allowed to be placed on graves. The things that are not allowed are statures, crosses of any kind, glassware of any kind, or windmills.”
Apache Journal (Arizona) News: “Marriage licenses . . . Willard Michael David and Mary Ann Morrow, both of Apache Junction.” And then just below that, this wedding announcement: “Brian Lloyd Brown and Mary Ann Morrow, both of Apache Junction.”
La Grange (Indiana) News: “Iron explodes --- causes house fire. The fire apparently started when Mrs. Miller attempted to fill an iron with gasoline.”
The Home Guide to Yellowstone/Teton Territory (Idaho): “Associate broker Sharon Schindler offers: ‘Schindler’s Listings!’”
The Duncan (Oklahoma) Banner: “Shoe clearance. Lifestride and Naturalizer boots, sale $29.99. Regularly $30.”
The ‘Other’ Paper, Columbus (OHIO): “Remember the number one rule in real estate . . . . call the lesbian!”
The Saratoga (Florida) Clipper: “Who else wants to make sure raccoons aren’t having sex in your ceiling?”
The Hornell-Canisteo (New York) Penn-E-Saver: “The classifieds . . . measuring up to expectations one ad at a time.” Hmmm. Measuring up . . . odd ruler. Just what are they trying to say? Does Paul want this one? He declines.
The Charlotte (North Carolina) Observer: “Weddings --- Jennifer Olin and Frederick Hubbartt Sexton were joined in marriage on July 31, 2004.” (photo of bride with horse)

Back to Stan Drucker who is getting ready for his lift and flip. Dave asks about Phil Pfister, the guy we had on two weeks ago who flipped the Pontiac. Dave wants to know if all the strong guys we see on the TV are using steroids. Stan says he can’t speak for all of them, but Stan does not. A nice man, Stan. I’ll be rooting for him.

TOP TEN: Signs A Baseball Player is Cheating – Detroit Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers has been accused of cheating when a dark substance was seen on his pitching hand.
Dave is enjoying the World Series. The Yankees aren’t in it. The Mets aren’t in it. He says, “It’s nice. You don’t care who wins. You can just sit back and enjoy the game.”

#5. Distracts opponents by throwing out the frozen head of Ted Williams. (Dave mutters, “Can’t the man just freeze his head in peace?”)
#3. You haven’t seen someone with that much Vaseline on them since the last Paris Hilton video.
#1. His nickname is “Needle Ass.”

TOM ARNOLD: I always like Tom’s visits. His love life is always a fountain of entertainment. He’s currently separated from his wife, Shelby, after being married since June of 2002. But they are trying to work things out. Tom blames the trouble on their remodeling a house. Stop right there. Few couples can survive a remodeling of a house. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the root of the McCartney and Mills problems.
The house being remodeled is Shelby’s dream house. It started over 3 years ago and is now 4 times over budget. Tom decided to remove himself from the situation, let Shelby take care of everything, and he’ll just make movies to pay for the thing. Tom made 12 films in 2 years. He did a celebrity cooking show, and he considered becoming a spokesman for an offshore gambling site, but didn’t like the odds of his eventually being arrested. Tom soon got a letter from his accountant/business manage telling him that he was on the verge of bankruptcy. He told Shelby that they needed to sell the house. She responded by hitting him with a dog-gate. Whenever she got mad she would throw dog-toys at him. In the end, they sold the house and they are currently trying to figure out how to divide that up. Hopefully he’ll have a happy story the next time he visits.
And be on the watch for Tom’s new DVD, The Kid and I. The film was in theaters last year to some very good reviews. Buy it today and help Tom pay for the finished basement.

CAO-BOI AND CRISTINA CORIA: These two were the most recent Survivors to be voted off the Cook Islands.
Cao Boi, pronounced Cow Boy, is from Viet Nam, moving to the States when he was 11 years old back in 1974. He served in the United States Army 82nd Airborne Division. Why did he get kicked out? From the websites I read, it was because he talked too much. And I heard he got kicked off because he was remodeling the hut.
Cristina Coria is a police officer in Santa Monica, a 14-year veteran. She’s survived 2 life-threatening experiences while on the job; once being struck by an intoxicated driver, and the other time being shot in the arm by a murder suspect on the Santa Monica Pier back in July of 2000. I think I remember reading about that one.

They both got voted off. I think 13 remain. Who will be the big winner? I’m going with Hatch; the gay guy who likes to walk around naked.

STAN DRUCKER: It’s time for Stan to flip the 1994 Ford F-150 Pickup truck. He goes through his mental psyche and gets the huge crowd outside to support him. He is pumped. Stan is ready. He attacks the pickup from the side and lifts. The struggle is mighty . . . . and the pickup truck wins. Stan doesn’t move it an inch off the ground. That pickup isn’t going anywhere. Uh oh. Explains Stan, “I think it may be a little too heavy, Mr. Letterman.”
Dave offers Stan another attempt. “Want to try it again, Stan?” Stan sizes up the matter and says, “No, I’d rather not.” I guess there won’t be that discussion around America’s water coolers tomorrow.

ACT 5: It’s Alan Kalter enjoying a couple slice of American cheese.

BRIAN REGAN: I always find this guy funny. It seems he spent some time in the card store recently. He had a funny take on each section, from Sympathy to Encouragement to New Baby (“I don’t think you need the word ‘new’”), to Birthday to the ever popular “Blank Inside” cards.
And now my greeting card story. Anniversary coming up? Valentine’s Day? Do what I do. Copy the inside of one anniversary card onto a piece of paper. Buy a different card. In your own handwriting, copy what was written on the first card into the card you purchased. Your honey will be very impressed with your sweet thoughts.
And here’s another trick I’ve used. Going to a wedding? Buy a wedding card. Copy exactly what is written inside the card . . . . . onto the very same card. Just repeat what was written in the card. Write it directly below the Hallmark message, word for word. The newlyweds will be opening a hundred of these wedding cards. They never read what the card says; they only read what the giver has written. They’ll be very impressed with your sweet sentiment. This has worked for me many times with great success.

And that was our show for Monday October 23, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I wonder how many people tease Stan Drucker and call him Sam?

We just enjoyed a working dark week. This is when we do not broadcast new LATE SHOWs but we are required to show up for work. I spend the week updating my logs and catching up on stuff I’ve been putting off. And I sometimes go out for lunch. During a regular work week I have time to order food or time to eat food, but not both. And I work a regular 9-5:00 work shift. I’m usually a bit apprehensive to leave at 5:00 since that’s the heart of the rush hour home. Why rush out of here if I’m just going to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Well, guess what I learned this past week . . . . no one leaves work at 5:00 anymore. The West Side Highway is much more crowded at 7:30 PM than it is at 5:15 PM. This “9 to 5” workday is a thing of the past, it seems. Hey, New Yorkers . . . we’re working too hard and too long! It’s 5:00! Time to go home!

I thought computers were supposed to make our lives so much easier?

I like John Mellencamp, but if I hear his “This is Our Country” song one more time during a commercial, my foot is going through the television.
I’ve had enough of Mellencamp. His Chevrolet truck commercial seems to be on every break, whether I’m watching football or the World Series. It’s quickly getting to the point that if I was actually in the market to buy a truck . . . . well, I think you know what I’m getting at. So I sit down to watch Game 2 of the World Series. I have a sandwich and beer at my side with the day’s newspaper that I still hadn’t gotten to. It’s about 8:10. I figure most of the pre-game nonsense is over. But it’s not. First, we will be entertained by . . . . John Mellencamp singing “This is Our Country.” Live at Tiger Stadium! Oy vey. (Relax, I know it’s not Tiger Stadium anymore.) The only interesting part was that John wasn’t there. His band was there at home plate, but John Mellencamp was missing. About a minute went by and still no John Mellencamp. I was finally finding “This is Our Country” interesting. And at this point someone from baseball should have stepped in and told the band to go home. The time for the song had come and gone and it was now too late. If Johnny wanted to play games, baseball wasn’t interested. And the crowd and the home audience would have loved it. But no . . . there was money to be made and baseball would wait as long as they had to for something that had nothing to do with baseball.

You guys escaped my recaps of the Mets/Cardinals series. I had so much to say and no one to say it to. For instance, a key play in Game 6 was leftfielder Scott Spiezio no coming up with the catch in the 7th inning. Why didn’t he hold on to the ball? I’m not sure . . . and it was never addressed . . . but it reminded me of a play I tried to make years ago playing softball. I dove for the ball and tried to catch it with two hands . . . the ball was in my mitt . . . and in the ensuing tumble . . . my other hand, the hand that was supposed to secure the catch, actually pulled the ball out of my mitt. Did this happen to Spiezio? It sort of looked like it to me. The Mets Tucker reached first base on the play. If he hadn’t turned into a spectator during the play, he would have made it to second. Later, another Met hit a double, and then another guy hit a single to bring in two runs to make it 4-0. Final score: 4-2. Key play in Game 6: Scott Spiezio not making that catch. Everyone else will talk about the obvious big plays . . . I like to look at the plays that lead up to the big play . . . the little plays that make the big plays possible.

If I were a gambler, I would have lost a whole lot of money in Game 6 of the NLCS.

And as for my recap of Games 1 and 2 of the World Series, I suggest you read Phil Mushnick’s columns in the New York Post. Sure, he watches the games to see who wins, as do I, but he also keeps an eye and an ear open as to how the game is broadcast. I love his column. His main complaint is how the camera is constantly in the stands and not on the LIVE action on the field. That’s right up my alley. A game I like to play is counting how many different camera shots we are shown between pitches in the 7th, 8th and 9th inning of a close game. It usually goes something like this:
- the pitch – strike one.
- 1. shot of the batter
- 2. shot of the pitcher
- 3. shot of a player who is not in the lineup watching from the dugout.
- 4. shot of a fan in the crowd.
- 5. shot of a fan in the crowd
- 6. shot of a fan in the crowd
- 7. etc., up to 13 shots. 13 is the most I have counted.
- And the final shot is a quick cut to the pitcher whose arm is at 12:00 as he delivers the pitch. Yeah, that’s great. Let’s wait till the very last second to show us the game. Really now, were those last 3 shots of the fans in the stands more worthwhile than the game at hand?

And if what is going on in the stands is so interesting, stadiums would be built with every other row facing the other way.

Here’s another game I like to play when watching a sporting event at home. It’s something I call: “When Did You Turn Off The Game?” Game 2 – 7th inning stretch. We don’t go to the customary commercial. Instead, we stay LIVE at Tiger Stadium to hear the singing of “God Bless America.” OK, fine. And then the introduction over the P.A. system: “To honor America, the singing of ‘God Bless America’ by a former marine . . . (Oh, good, I say. A former marine from Detroit I bet) . . . and a contestant in the 2nd season of FOX’s ‘American Idol. . . .”
CLICK.

“When Did You Turn Off The Game, Part 2” – Last night’s Monday Night Football on ESPN. I managed to stay tuned during the long and worthless interview with retired Cowboy running back Emmitt Smith, but when they interviewed Cowboy owner Jerry Jones during the game, I reached for the clicker. CLICK.

There is no need for Smith and Jones during LIVE action of a football game.

Quality start: 6 innings; 3 runs. Should the Quality Start statistic be the same for your Ace as it is for your #5 starter? This just in: Ex-Congressman Foley is now blaming dehydration.