WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR FACE CARVED ON A PUMPKIN?
Rupert is wearing an Alabama T-shirt and Dave comments on his wearing a different college shirt each week. Where does Rupert get them? Rupert says people send them to him all the time.

Dave: “Do you write off a quick thank you note?”
Rupert: “Nnnno.”

Dave gives an example of what a thank you letter should include, adding that putting a piece of Hello Deli baloney into the envelope might be a nice touch.

Rupert considers the suggestion and muses he probably should do something like that.

Dave: “Why do I have to come up with all the ideas?”
Rupert: “Because you’re the smart one.”

Nice going, Rupert. Good work.

With Rupert tonight is Master Pumpkin Carver, Hugh McMahon. He will be carving a pumpkin for us tonight. Dave asks Rupert, “Did you decorate yet for Halloween?” Rupert quickly scans his deli and says, “Not yet.” Dave: “Do you normally decorate?”
Rupert: “No.”

Dave sends Rupert outside to find a contestant. Meanwhile, we have a show to put on.

Mattel, the world’s largest toy-maker, is in the midst of a sales slump. I think there’s a cause for concern. Have you seen what they’re selling? Dave holds up a Barbie box. There is nothing inside. It’s the brand new “Use Your Imagination Barbie!”

Dave got one of those Osama bin Laden video tapes again. And why the heck is that guy still on the loose? Has the President mentioned his name in the past 3 years? Osama bin Laden -- Osama been too long. We give the new tape a look and listen.

Osama: “In the spirit of giving, your friends at Al Qaeda will be donating $1 from every jihad to Meals-on-Wheels! Just Al Qaeda’s new way of saying ‘We’re all in this together!’ Oh, and remember kids, buckle up and hit a home run for safety. . . . . . and death to America.”

You’ve probably heard about the dangers of a bird flu virus that might be able to spread to humans. The government is doing everything it can to prevent an outbreak, and it looks like they’re not alone.

Announcer: “The world’s top scientists warn that a lethal strain of avian flu could be transmitted from chickens to humans, causing a deadly global pandemic. Which is why we’re proud to announce three new antiviral dipping sauces from KFC! Whether you prefer out tangy Fluvirin Triton X-100 honey mustard . . .
Our spicy Pedvax Haemophilus B Barbecue . . .
Or our creamy attenuated antigen nasal-spray ranch . . .
We’ll satisfy your hunger and protect you from this modern-day plague, unlike those other chicken restaurants.”
(shot of Popeye Chicken)
“The new bird-flu vaccine dipping sauces, only at KFC.”

Whenever Dave hears of Australia, he thinks of one thing: if you said “Dingoes” you were wrong! Dave says he when he thinks of Australia, he thinks Penal Colony. Many years back, Australia was where the criminal element was sent. Now, anyone who lives there is probably a descendant of prisoners. What are we doing tonight? Hugh McMahon, Master Pumpkin Carver, will carve a pumpkin in the likeness of Ms. Gabriella Sciortino. Hugh has been doing this for about a quarter century and in the off-season he carves watermelons. Hugh starts out his carving with a sketching of the fetching Gabrielle on the pumpkin with water color. While he proceeds, we go to commercial.

Back from commercial, Dave again shows his prowess with a hammer by toe-nailing two perpendicular 2X6s. Within seconds, the work is done. While hammering, Dave again holds the hammer at the end of the handle. Backstage, Harold Larkin smiled.

APE OR ARTIST OR ELEPHANT? It’s our 3rd installment of “Ape or Artist or Elephant?” 1st: APE. 2nd: elephant. The 10 installments of simply “Ape or Artist?” resulted in all apes.

Tonight is our final installment of “Ape or Artist or Elephant” and before we even see the work of art, Dave is predicting it will be a human artist, since we haven’t had one yet and this being our last game. Paul agrees that it will be human. The scrim rises to reveal a blue speckled painting.

Upon viewing the painting, Dave changes his pick from human to elephant. Paul has a painting by an elephant at his home and doesn’t believe the piece was be done by a pachyderm. Paul sticks with human. Dave examines the painting and says he sees something disturbing. Paul says he sees “South America.” It’s time for their final answer.

Dave: “Elephant.”
Paul: “Human.”

Alan provides us with the answer: “Dave, it was painted by . . . . an elephant! An 8,000 pound Asian elephant, Kelly-Ann’s most recent work is an abstract representation of Niagara Falls. Traveling and performing with Ringling Bros. & Barnum & Bailey Circus since 1996, all proceeds from her work benefit the circus’ Center for Elephant Conservation, a 250-acre facility in Central Florida. A similar painting by Kelly-Ann is owned by Late Show musical director Paul Shaffer.”

Paul denies his painting was done by Kelly Ann. This painting looks nothing like his.

It must be from Kelly Ann’s blue period.

TOP TEN: New York Yankee Excuses
#3. Due to typo in latest memo, Steinbrenner demanded players give 10%
#2. Giambi lost his lucky syringe
#1. Who can concentrate on baseball when hockey is back?

WOODY HARRELSON: It’s Woody’s first visit in 5 years. Whenever he’s on, I always picture him as Dave’s wild and crazy and out of control little brother.

Dave tells Woody he was flipping through the channels the other night and stopped on Kingpin and lauds the film. I’ve seen bits and pieces of the film and have always enjoyed what I saw. I hope to see it again on one of the HBOs from the start.

Good news for Woody. He and his wife, parents of two, are expecting their third! He’s announcing it here for the first time. The baby is due some time around April/May. You heard it here first.

Woody hasn’t been here in 5 years. Where has he been? Woody says he wasn’t enjoying his career and explains that if you don’t enjoy “this career”, something is wrong with you. He decided to take some time off and enjoy the fruits of his labor, spending time with his wife and family. He currently lives in a remote part of Maui, Hawaii in a communal-type community. There are no public utilities there and no power lines. Their power source is the wind and the sun. And they grow all their own food. I guess if I were to live in a place like that, Maui would be the place I would choose.

Woody has also put out a book, How To Go Further, his guide to living, how to eat right, and how to be a responsible citizen of the earth.

An interesting philosophy of Woody’s is he tries to scare himself at least once a day. I guess it’s his way of confronting fear and not being afraid of it. Hey, I like that. Don’t be afraid of fear. Woody recently went to Amsterdam, which he often does, and decided to climb down a drain pipe from his hotel room to the room of a friend. It was pretty high up, but after deliberating with himself, he decided to make the climb down. Once out on the drain pipe, he noticed that only one screw was holding up the pipe. Staying true to his philosophy, he continued. Halfway down, the pipe started to move. Not waiting to see if it continued to move, Woody scampered down the drain pipe as fast he could. He gave a “ta da” upon entering the room of his friend, who of course was stunned.

Woody is concerned about our planet and the destruction we’ve caused her. Is it too late to fix? Have we gone too far? Woody says it is not too late but we need to change our habits fast. First and foremost, we have to get off our dependence on fossil fuel. Will this, can this, happen? Woody rightly explains that the people in charge, those who can create the change, are making a whole lot of money the old way and are only too happy to stay the course.

You can read more about Woody’s concerns about the environment at his website, www.voiceyourself.com

A theme of the website is for each of us to leave a lighter footprint upon this earth during our stay.

Woody’s film, North Country, opens October 21st. It deals with the 1984 case where a number of women took on the Eveleth Mines in northern Minnesota after their integration into the work force was met with rampant sexual harassment. We see a clip. We see Woody at a hockey rink wearing a yellow shirt and a purple hat. Hey, Minnesota Vikings colors. I like the authenticity.

ACT 5: It’s Hugh McMahon in the Hello Deli with his finished product.

FIONA APPLE: From her CD, Extraordinary Machine, Fiona performed “O’Sailor.”

And that was our show for October 11, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I heard for Halloween, Harriet Miers is dressing up as a judge.

I’m reading where FOX was hoping for a Boston/New York American League Championship series, and I keep saying to myself, “They have Chicago and L.A.!” How can they not be happy with the #2 and #3 markets in America?

I wasn’t quite sure who I was going to root for; the White Sox or the Angels. In football, I usually decide who to root for after observing the first “Look At Me Exhibition” (LAME) by one of the players. I then root for the other team. Unfortunately, I end up going back and forth the whole game because players from both teams start acting like idiots. Who to root for in this baseball series? Last night I see White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen in a Chicago baseball jacket. The jacket had yellow sleeves. There is no yellow in the White Sox uniform. I wonder if the ChiSox had this jacket the whole year or if this is something new for the league championship series and they’re trying to sell it to weak fans who “just gotta have it.” I snarl and start leaning toward the Angels. Then I see an Angels’ coach in the dugout. He has the red Angel jacket, but it too has yellow sleeves. There is no yellow in the Angels uniform. What’s the deal? I don’t remember seeing yellow sleeves on the Angel jackets in the Yankee series, but maybe I just wasn’t paying attention. Now I’m wondering if this is a Major League Baseball thing. So what gives, White Sox and Angel fans? Are these new jackets with the yellow sleeves or have your teams had these the whole year? I did notice that Angel manager Mike Scioscia’s jacket was all red. I always liked him as a manager. If I had to guess, and that’s all I do here, I would guess the League is trying to push the jackets with the yellow sleeves for the Championship series, but Mike Scioscia will have none of it. He’s sticking with the Angel red jacket. I think that’s why I like him.

I had to look up how to spell the Angel manager’s name. I wasn’t even close, but found that it’s quite easy. Scio --- scia. Scioscia.

So how’d I do? Am I right about jackets or am I totally off? Go ahead, tell me if I’m wrong. I can take it.

A tired team like the Angels usually rallies their energy for Game 1. In Game 2, their lack of rest will finally hit them. Look for a big win by the White Sox tonight. Of course as you know, I like to guess.

I asked the other day for:
TV SHOWS THAT HAVE HELD UP OVER THE YEARS:
Wayne Chow of Toronto, Ontario:

“I'm currently watching ‘The Rockford Files’ every weeknight and still enjoy them even though they've been totally butchered for this round of syndication. I guess they 'hold up' though I think I've become far more sophisticated about my TV crime dramas and can't believe how some of the plot resolutions are so silly. Another show I really enjoyed as a kid was ‘Emergency!’ but when I saw it again a few years ago it all (the acting, storylines, etc.) seemed rather amateurish. Two things I have noticed about these older shows: they weren't too picky about the use/re-use of stock footage (literally night and day sometimes) and how different communication was before the cell phone! One show that I think definitely holds up is ‘The Bob Newhart Show’ since it wasn't a topical show. I still think Bob is hilarious and the series finale of ‘Newhart’ was one of the greatest twists ever.”

“Shows that have held up:
'Andy Griffith Show'
'Monty Python's Flying Circus'
'Bob Newhart Show'
'Gunsmoke' - It was pretty gritty for it's time

Shows that haven't:
'M*A*S*H' - Alan Alda's performance gets more grating as time goes by.
'Bonanza' - Good for some unintentional laughs.”

“Shows that hold up well over time include ‘Cheers,’ ‘The Simpsons,’ and ‘Seinfeld.’
‘M*A*S*H’ and ‘Cosby’ were two great shows in the past but I don't find them nearly as entertaining today. (Too preachy.)”

John Gilber of Winter Park, Florida:

“Shows that have held up: ‘Mr. Rogers’ Shows that do not: ‘MASH’”

“The first show on my list of ‘Shows That Have Held Up All These Years’ would be ‘I LOVE LUCY!’ I can watch that show every time it's on TV and still laugh at all their silliness.”

Nelson Shirota of Torrance, California:

“TV Shows that have lasted:
Clearly, ‘I Love Lucy’ has, and will stand up over time. All television sitcoms are derivative of this classic and/or, ‘The Honeymooners’.
‘The Muppet Show’ -- Still fun after all this time.
‘The Brady Bunch’ -- Classic lines have become a part of America's culture.
‘Gilligan's Island’ -- Still fun (as were most Sherwood Schwartz productions: see Brady Bunch above).
Although technically not a ‘show’, "Looney Tunes" - The original ‘unsanitized’ cartoon shorts are still hugely entertaining. Unfortunately, many of the classics have been edited to remove the ‘violence’. I find this practice disturbing, when the same networks will produce shows trumpeting sexual activity among teens, graphic drug use and unseemly language in prime time shows. What is especially disturbing is that they roll ads for these shows, complete with language during hours when children are watching. (Did you see the endless ‘vurxg’ ads for ‘The Closer’?)
I am surprised that, ‘Hawaii Five-O’ has not held up better. It seemed so cool when it was on originally, but now it's just 70's hokey.”

More tomorrow. One thing I notice about TV from 30 years ago is it looks so amateurish; bad acting, stiff dialogue, bad lighting, questionable camera angles, not enough music or too much, laugh tracks. I wonder what we’ll think of today’s television 30 years from now. My guess it’ll be something like . . . “Reality shows? What were they thinking?”