Dave is a bit exhausted tonight; a bit frazzled. He's been debating a problem of an adult nature which he doesn't really want to explore tonight since we have a young child as a guest later in the show. Dave can't explain what it is but it's really got him would up. He's been battling with his staff all day on this; starting at 10:30 in the morning right up to show time. It's something that he knows he's right about; everything in his body and soul tells him he's right, and yet he still gets an argument over it. It all started from something he saw in the paper this morning. He doesn't want to say anything more about it right now. Dave says he's so keyed up he wants to go out and fight everyone here at the Ed Sullivan Theater. But Dave being the professional he is, knows there's a show to put on.

Before we really get going, the President of CBS Television, Les Moonves, has something to say. We see a clip of a young Les from an episode of Cannon from 1976. It's Les as Pascual the Mexican Pearl Diver. Les says, "My name is Pascual." We had this line put on a loop and we see Les repeat again and again, "My name is Pascual. My name is Pascual. My name is Pascual."

Have you heard about the amazing deal JetBlue is offering on flights between New York and Boston? We take a look at their most recent commercial.

Announcer: "JetBlue announces a fare breakthrough. For a limited time, fly one-way between New York and Boston for just $25! Or $50 if you want a plane that doesn't do this!" (see footage of the recent JetBlue plane with the front wheel stuck sideways and sparks flying out.) "Call JetBlue or your travel agent today."

Announcer: "So scientists in the Congo think they've made a remarkable discovery because they found a gorilla that uses tools? Big deal. We here in America have observed the same thing." (clip of George W. Bush using a hammer.) "George W. Bush --- smarter than you think."

"Teens define sex in new ways"

REJECTED FDA ITEMS
Dave has a buddy Larry who works for the Food and Drug Administration down in Washington DC. Every year, hundreds of food and drug items come across his desk that seek approval from the FDA. Some make the grade; most do not. Larry sends Dave some of the items that do not meet the FDA's approval.
1. If you've ever been an exhausted new parent wishing your baby would sleep more, you'll understand why the FDA put the kibosh on this one: It's Gerber's Red Bull.
2. Everyone agrees that recycling is a good idea, but the FDA had to draw the line at: Swanson's Frozen Leftovers."
3. It's a fact: America has a child obesity problem. There is good news, though, thanks to the government, kids won't be drinking: Heinz Gravy Juice Boxes

Dave takes a moment to revisit the topic that's been bothering him all day. When he read the article, he admits to being stunned. Everyone else thought . . . . "so?"

4. The FDA admitted there was no actual health or safety issue with this one --- they were simply creeped out by: Lamb-flavored Colgate.
5. The Agency's testers felt this product dangerously blurred the line between food and health and beauty aids: A-1 Steak Sauce and Conditioner

Dave throws out the Chunky-style Pepto-Bismol without ever reading the card.

6. You have to give the tobacco companies this much: They try hard. But the FDA gave an emphatic thumbs-down to: Skoal Macaroni and Chaw.
7. It seemed like a can't-fail idea: proven pain relief in a tasty new form. But the FDA quickly red-flagged this snack food: Honey-Roasted Tylenol.
8. Convenience foods are more popular than ever. But the FDA wisely decided that the trend had gone a step too far with this product: Pre-cooked spaghetti.
9. And finally, with so many bottled waters on the market, Poland Spring wanted a gimmick that would help them stand out from the crowd. But the FDA said, "Absolutely not" to: Poland Spring Water with Goldfish. Dave holds up a bottle of Poland Spring. An actual goldfish swims inside.

And that was our Rejected FDA Items.

TOP TEN: Signs You're Not Going To Be Named the World's #1 Intellectual
A recent British magazine poll named M.I.T. linguistics professor Noam Chomsky the world's #1 public intellectual. Says Dave, "If I were the world's #1 intellectual, every one could just kiss my ass."
#6. All you awards are labeled, "Participant."

THE ROCK: He's in the new film, Doom, opening this weekend. It's based on the video game. A lot of good acting in the film? The Rock starts to say how he studied up for the part and how he worked up his deep emotional feelings when he . . . and then he stopped and said "Who am I kidding? All I do is beat up guys." He adds, "I'm just a big, badass guy with a big, badass gun. There's no real acting involved."

Dave and The Rock discuss the Notre Dame/USC game of last Saturday. Dave still contends that USC really didn't win, but The Rock says a win is a win. "But the quarterback was pushed into the endzone by his own player. That's illegal" says Dave. The Rock, a former college footballer himself, says you do whatever it takes to get into the endzone. He speaks just like a pro wrestler should: "What are the rules? THERE ARE NO RULES!"

We have a clip of The Rock from his college days. He played for the powerful but notorious University of Miami Hurricanes. In the clip, Miami is involved in a bench-clearing brawl with San Diego State. And there we see The Rock, chasing after the San Diego State mascot: an Aztec. The Aztec looked like Woody Allen dressed like Russell Crowe. Wow. A guy dressed as a football player fighting a guy dressed as an Aztec --- wow, it really does sound like professional wrestling. Doom - it opens Friday.

BIFF HENDERSON'S NAME THAT WAX CELEBRITY: A blindfolded Biff Henderson, using only his sense of touch, will determine who the Madame Tussaud's was figure portrays. The LATE SHOW models uncover the wax celebrity figure and Biff begins to feel and examine. A perplexed Dave, seeing the wax figure for the first time, can't tell who the wax celebrity is and Dave isn't blindfolded. I have to admit, I couldn't recognize it either. While Biff is feeling around, Dave ventures, "Is it Carrot Top?" It isn't Carrot Top. When touching the head area, Biff suddenly pulls his hand back quickly in fear. It looked like the figure had bitten Biff. Biff continues but it's obvious he hasn't a clue. Biff proclaims, "Is it The Rock?" No, it isn't The Rock. Biff is incorrect. And that's how we play, "Biff Henderson's 'Name That Wax Celebrity.'" Dave throws to commercial without ever revealing who is the wax figure.

ACT 5: It's time for Alan Kalter's Gas-Saving Tip. (we see Alan holding a two liter bottle of Ginger Ale.) Hey, motorists! Looking to stretch you gasoline dollars? Try adding a few bottles of ginger ale to your car's gas tank. I have no idea if it works --- let me know what happens!
This has been Alan Kalter's Gas-Saving Tip! Tell your friends.

KIT ARMSTRONG: He's a piano prodigy and composers. And he's just a 13-year-old kid! He's been taking college courses since he's been 8 but is quick to point out, "But not full time!" And he can make his own bow tie. Why? How? Kit says he is very interested in origami, the art of paper folding, and applied what he learned from that to a simple ribbon. He transformed the ribbon into a bow tie. How's college? Is he good at math? Take the algebra? I know algebra is taught in the 9th grade. Kit explains that he hasn't taken the algebra for quite a few years now. Dave laughs. Dave asks if there is a connection between math and music. Isn't music all about math? Says Kit, "Everything is about math." RIGHT! I've always believed that everything can be explained through mathematics. If you break something down far enough, it can be explained with math. And if you can't explain something by using math, I find that baseball can also explain everything. Who are some of Kit's favorite pianist? The boy genius mentions Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin. . . . he admires them all. Dave asks in all seriousness, "Do you know if the Spice Girls are still together?" Kit isn't sure.

Kit approaches the piano and plays something by Chopin and piece of his own entitled, "Sweet Remembrance." Wow. That was pretty amazing.

And that was our show for Wednesday October 19th, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

So who was that wax celebrity figure? Mick Jagger.

I was looking at the USA Today today in the editorial pages. There's a cartoon from The Columbus Dispatch of a married couple looking at a Rolling Stone magazine. On the cover of the magazine is George W. Bush as John Lennon in the famous naked in bed/John Lennon/Yoko Ono pose. Harriet Miers was in the role of Yoko Ono. It's Bush and Miers as Lennon and Yoko. The husband says to his wife, "He needs to let go." Hey! We've done that joke on our show a number of times, the last time with Bush and the Saudi Prince. Either the LATE SHOW and the Columbus Dispatch think alike or someone is borrowing from the other. But come to think of it, I doubt that we were the first to spoof that famous photo.

Here's something I found somewhat amusing. This week at a movie theater new you, two films: Doom and Duma.

SO WHAT WAS IN THE USA TODAY? You saw the headline: "Teens define sex in new ways". It had much to do with . . . oral sex. Sheesh. Does this really belong in a family newspaper? Kids today, according to the story, take a very casual look at that kind of behavior. A quick survey around here exposed a generational split on the topic. Remember before when I mentioned that everything could be explained through mathematics? This is true on this topic, too. I would explain my own experience on this matter as the null set.

Then there is another article about that sex subject inside the USA Today. It covers the debate, "Is oral sex really sex?" I think this was the debate Dave may have been having throughout the day. I'm more comfortable debating baseball's DH rule.

I mentioned my new rule for college football the other day, stemming from the Notre Dame/USC finish. My new rule would be this:

"If a team fumbles the ball out of bounds with less than one minute to play in the game or the half, the team is penalized one timeout, or if they have no time outs left, 30 seconds are removed from the game clock. This would not apply in a change of possession following a 4th down. Loop holes, anyone? I don't see any yet."

"Bad, bad idea!
Let's say USC has the ball, second down & 20 on their own 5, with :59 left and they are tied with Notre Dame. USC doesn't want to punt to Notre Dame's dangerous return guy this deep in its own territory. USC just wants to get to overtime. Notre Dame is trying desperately to force a punt to give their guy a change to return far enough to set up a winning field goal attempt. All USC would have to do is run wide a couple of times and "accidentally" fumble the ball out of bounds until there was no time left. The rule would penalize Notre Dame in this case instead of USC, which is who the rule was meant to penalize."

Hey, horse racing fans, the results are in. The 8th race at Delaware Park in Wilmington, Delaware Wednesday afternoon had "Letterman's Humor" running as a longshot. He finished 6th in the 7-horse race. This is the recap:

Letterman's Humor #6 ran at Delaware Park on Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 in Race 8.
8th Race - Delaware Park - Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 "INAMORATO was snugly rated just outside the leader, edged to front on the far turn and drew clear into the stretch then held off the challenge of SMART GROWTH. SMART GROWTH, unhurried early, made a run leaving the far turn and finished well to be getting to the winner. WANAKA, well placed just off the pace, loomed boldly in the final furlong but lacked the needed closing response. HE'S A MYSTERY was shuffled back at the start then finished well along the inside to best the others. MAJOR MECKE lacked a rally. LETTERMAN'S HUMOR raced within easy striking distance and weakened in the drive. SOUP DU JOUR broke alertly to set the pace to the far turn then tired."