Billboarding the show, Dave mentions the film A History of Violence starring Viggo Mortensen. Watching the film in the viewing room, Dave often watches with a few staffers. Every half hour, staffer Nancy Agostini decides whether they should continue watching. For this movie, she kept saying “continue.” The film is creepy, but it’s a good creepy.

Time to put away the LATE SHOW Bear. It’s all for safety. Tonight, putting away the LATE SHOW Bear is “Jim Smith” the CBS Page in the Witness Protection Program. We see a pixilated “Jim Smith” pushing the bear into his den. “Jim” sighs, then exits.

Sponsoring the Late Show Bear tonight: Verizon. “Verizon: We Never Stop Working For You.”

I don’t know, is that a good tagline for Verizon? “We Never Stop Working For You.” My immediate thought is, “Well, if you did it right the first time . . . .”

LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
1. The Emmy Awards were held last weekend and it’s a wonder people can follow what’s going on. Dave calls for a clip to illustrate what he means.

Announcer: “Coming up, the Awards for ‘Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Made-For-Television Movie or Miniseries’, ‘Outstanding Supporting Lad Actor or Actress in a Comedy, Drama, or Miniseries’, and ‘Outstanding Supporting Actor or Guest Lead Mini-Actor and/or Actress in a Miniseries, Comedy, Non-Supportive Variety Special Series or Single Camera Made-for-Television Movie Movie.’”

Announcer: “When an emergency strikes, will you be ready? You will if you have an ADT home alarm system. Our patented technology alerts the authorities instantly whenever you need help, whether you have a fire, a medical emergency, or a dangerous felon trying to beak into your home.” (cut to vt of Martha Stewart entering a home through a sliding door.) “ADT: Keeping families safe since 1874.”

3. President Bush this week issued a stern warning to Syria. He’s not fooling around.

Announcer: “President Bush has a message for Syria: stop the flow of insurgents into Iraq . . . or we’ll send over our secret weapon.” (photo of former FEMA head, Michael Brown.) “Michael Brown will spread chaos and confusion so fast you won’t know what hit you. George W. Bush --- talking the talk.”

Announcer: “Get ready for the season premiere of ‘Lost.’ Will the castaways on the raft be rescued? Who were the mysterious men who kidnapped Walt? And you won’t believe what Locke and Jack discover at the bottom of the hatch.
(cut to happy, peppy music with a graphic of Ranch Dressing.)
Twenty gallons of delicious, creamy ranch dressing! ‘Lost’ – only on ABC!”

5. First there was a cellphone/camera. Now an Ipod/cellphone has been released. Now comes word of another dual-purpose device . . . Dave has the prototype of the cell-phone that’s also a leaf-blower. Dave pulls out a cumbersome leaf blower that has a cell-phone attached. Dave turns on the leaf blower. Oddly, the blower blows out the shorter chute. The intake comes from the longer chute. I have a feeling a switch was flicked that switched the output. After turning off the loud blowing of the leaf blower, Dave points out, “And the whole time I was doing that, I could have been talking to a loved one.”

Unfortunately, while Dave was playing with the leaf blower, he blew all his blue cards off the desk. And we have more of the week to review! Somewhere on the floor is the next blue card. I immediately noticed the problem. Dave’s attention was still on the leaf blower. While Dave played, Executive Producer Barbara Gaines crawled on her hands and knees below camera level by the guest chairs in search for the missing card. Dave sees what is going on and immediately chases the intruder away from the desk. Dave was frightened. He screamed at the unknown person, “Get back in the audience where you belong! Get out of here! What are you trying to pull?” He didn’t know what was happening. Frank the stage manager attempts to bring over the missing blue card but almost takes a “header” on the slippery floor from the water. Dave decides to end things now before anything else happens. We go to commercial. He later explains, “Out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman crawling on her belly. I felt a breach of security.” We enjoy a replay of the moment. It’s an example of how far the staff will go to keep the show running smoothly.

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item: Lime Jello Mold. Just the Jello. It will be dumped off the platter into the "Will It Float?" tank. Dave explains that Jello is nothing more than grinded up horse hooves (HEY! I remember hearing about that once). Dave thinks the lime Jello will float. Paul sees Jello as being nothing but a big glop. Paul says it will sink. The models drop the Jello into the "Will It Float?" tank and it . . . . . . SINKS! How about that?! What I would have done different, now that I watched. I would have made Lemon Jello. It would have read better on camera in the tank. Next time we drop Jello into the "Will It Float?" tank, I’m going to suggest Lemon Jello. No, not Peter. Just plain Lemon Jello.

TOP TEN: George W. Bush Money-Saving Tips
How will the United States pay for everything: war/social programs/rebuilding the Gulf Coast?
#7. Endangered species need to get off their asses and protect themselves.
#3. Instead of foreign aid, Hallmark cards that read “Good luck with your country.”

More fun with the leaf blower. Dave puts the intake chute of the leaf blower over the LATE SHOW mug filled with water. He points the other chute directly at Tony the Cue Card guy. Dave turns on the blower and . . . . nothing. I didn’t think anything would happen. Not enough suction. It wouldn’t be able to suck up the water from the mug up through the chute and out the other side. Dave doesn’t give up. He jostles the intake chute off the desk, breaking the tight seal between the chute and the desk, to allow some air from the outside in. Nice try but. . . . HEY!!! IT WORKED! Dave sprays the water from the coffee mug at Tony. Wow! Nice job, Mr. Letterman! I would have bet against it working.

VIGGO MORTENSEN: From the film, A History of Violence. It opened Friday in select cities. Dave likes the movie, creepy as it is. It’s about a case of mistaken identity . . . or is it? Viggo grew up in Argentina and has a story from his youth. He was raised by an outdoorsman father. He would take Viggo hunting when Viggo was only 3 years old. The first time he shot a gun was when he was 4 years old. Viggo and dad had gone duck hunting. It was getting late and dad hadn’t got a one. Viggo asked if he could try. Soon, ducks came flying over head. He pulled the trigger. He got one! First try! The duck came down in the marsh. Viggo walked out into the marsh neck deep to retrieve his duck. Walking home with the dead duck in his hand, Viggo was chilled to the bone. They stopped off at a shack to warm up. Viggo was stripped naked while a fire dried his clothes. Viggo continued to hold the duck. He wouldn’t let it go. When they got home, his mom made him take a hot bath. Still, Viggo wouldn’t let go of the duck. He and the duck took a bath together. When it was time for bed, Viggo took the duck with him. That’s where his mom drew the line. As soon as Viggo fell asleep, they took the duck. When he woke, he wondered, “Where’s my duck?” They told him they were going to eat it. He was a bit heart-broken, but they made a deal. They let Viggo pluck the bird. And then they ate it. Nice story.

A History of Violence – now playing in select cities.

ACT 5: It’s the LATE SHOW Lesson of the Night: “Do The Time! Don’t Let The Time Do You!”

ANDY KINDLER: No Stand-up; just panel. Andy was a recurring character on Everybody Loves Raymond. He didn’t play a friend of Ray’s; he played the cousin of a friend of Ray’s. How has being on the show changed his life? He admits to being recognized more often, usually at family gatherings and at airports. When recognized at airports, Andy doesn’t let them go.

How was it for him when the show won the Emmy for Best Comedy this year? Andy says he felt like a Jewish kid on Christmas.

How’s the new fall television season shaping up? Andy finds he’s on the outside looking in, sort of like a Jewish kid on Christmas.

Commander-In-Chief – it stars Geena Davis. Highly implausible premise. A president who is compassionate and intelligent. It’ll contain a lot of this: “Not on my watch!”

There’s also a show called Freddie. It’s a comedy starring Freddie Prinze, Jr. . . because when you think comedy, you think Freddie Prinze, Jr. He is known for his famous stand-up.

The WB has a show called Twins. It’s from the people who brought us Will & Grace. Andy says, “Haven’t these people done enough damage? Twins is about twins, not identical; they’re fraternal, which is a medical term meaning, “humorless.” This show is so predictable, Nostradamus wrote about it. Nostradamus wrote, “Twins is gonna suck, stay away from that Hitler guy, and go easy on the carbs.” Carbs, first it’s good, then it’s bad, then it’s good.

Andy had a lot to say and I wish he had more time. I found myself laughing throughout. Get Andy Kindler back here for more. I like his delivery. I like his humor. It really works for me.

You can see Andy at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, October 4-8th.

And that was our show for Friday September 23, 2005. Show #2433 Wahoo EXTRA!

We had our neighborhood block party last Saturday. It down-poured for a half-hour but didn’t dampen the fun. My daughter Dominique was very concerned about the lightning. She just got braces. She was afraid her braces would attract the lightning. I told her not to worry, but suggested she smile with her lips closed until the storm passes.

Hey! I jumped my first turnstile! I took the bus into work the other day and it dropped me off by the George Washington Bridge. From there, 179th Street, I would take the A train to 59th Street. The subway system doesn’t use tokens anymore, they use a metro card. You can buy a single-use metro card or a card for $10/$20/ or more. I just needed the one trip. Two bucks. Well, the token booths are no longer used either. Machines dispense the cards. There are 3 machines at 179th Street. Usually there may be on person ahead of you. On this day, 2 of the machines were out of service. (Don’t you just love machines?) The line for the only working machine was 25 waiting commuters. After a 5-minute wait, I was now #24. I went to the token booth and tried to buy a single-trip pass for $2 from the token booth clerk. She wasn’t accepting money, or maybe she couldn’t accept money, or maybe she didn’t have the means to sell a single-trip pass. I couldn’t quite translate her sneer and disgust. I got back on line. I was now #26. I kept looking at the two machines that were not working. I looked down at my 2 dollars. I looked at the line of 25 people ahead of me. I decided the subway system didn’t deserve my $2 if I had to wait a half hour to use their system. A 30-minute wait is not part of the contract between the customer and the subway system. I was willing to pay my $2. They were not willing or able to take it in an acceptable period of time. I hear in the distance the downtown A train pulling into the station. I am back to being #24 on line. Nope. The subway system broke the contract first. I wasn’t going to wait. I walked over to the turnstile and leapt over to the other side. It may have been against the law but I had “right” on my side. And I was on my way to work, feeling a little proud of the Jean Valjean in me.

How has being a Cameo Mention changed my life?

Don Smith of Kingston, Ontario:

“I hate to say this because it probably means I'll never have another Cameo Mention again, but I think I've had four Cameos already. I don't think they changed my life much. ‘Don Smith from Kingston’ is about as specific as ‘middle aged white guy in suburbia.’ Not that I wasn't excited.”

“Before my Wahoo mention a few years back I was a middle aged, middle class guy with a checkered past and not much of a future. Well Mike, you didn't get rid of my past but, thanks to the Wahoo mention, I'm now a middle aged, middle class guy with a future that includes googling my own name and getting a hit. Thanks Mike, you made me feel better about myself when I get up in the morning. The Wahoo- it's better than therapy.”

Hey! What’s that down there? Do you see it? It used to be up there, but now it’s way down there. It looks like . . . I’m not sure . . . I think . . . yup, it is! It’s the Boston Red Sox.

PREVIOUSLY-VIEWED SHOWS NEXT WEEK
MONDAY 9/26: From July 28, #2402:
Bill Murray; Bettye Lavette.
TUESAY 9/27: From August 10, #2411:
Johnny Knoxville; Drew Rosenhaus
WEDNESDAY 9/28: From August 8, #2409:
Kate Hudson; Michele Wie
THURSDAY 9/29: From September 12, #2424:
Dr. Phil McGraw; Roger Federer
FRIDAY: 9/30: From September 7: #2421:
Gwyneth Paltrow; Hootie & the Blowfish